Memos from the Middle

Smack-Dab in the Middle of Motherhood

Upper Thighs and Other Things Men Shouldn’t Expose

Some things are just wrong. No matter how much apologizing or gift giving he does, a man just shouldn’t let certain things hang bare for the world to see. And when he does, women everywhere breathe a collective sigh of disappointment and general appal. I’ve had the unpleasant opportunity of witnessing some rather shocking male behavior over the last week, and I can say that the combination of offenses has caused me to question the tact and overall home training of some of the guys with whom I’ve shared space. Please, gentlemen, avoid the following pitfalls at all cost while you exercise.

Please, for the love of all things sacred, put those upper thighs under some longer shorts!

Wearing short shorts: There is absolutely no reason for your upper thighs to be visible to the world. Yes, exercising is great, but must you really jog in a 13-year-old cheerleader’s gym uniform? I think not. In fact, a few extra inches of short couldn’t possibly get in the way of your perfect jogging form. Please, just let these shorts die the death they started to die when the NBA gave them up years ago.

Absolutely not! If all the men look like you, suit up, gramps! (image via www.projectpoppycock.com)

Choosing to be skins at the local park: I may not be into sports, but I really am not into bared beer bellies on the skins side of a pick-up game of basketball, especially when there are 20-somethings who’ve never had to worry about anything more important than what time their mothers will be off work so that they can eat dinner playing on shirts side unnecessarily. These are the guys who work out before breakfast, running five miles, lift weights after Spanish class at the community college, and play ball at the park just to keep their high school talent firmly in tact on the off-chance they’ll be recruited to play Division 1 ball next year. Why on Earth do you middle-aged fathers of four insist on exposing your torsos to the world when these flabless Adonises play with all the coverings of an octogenarian monk?

Putting your ugly feet in man sandals: Man sandals are a little strange, but I have absolutely no problem with socks in sandals if your feet look like you’ve been running barefoot over granite outcroppings for the last 15 years. Obviously, a nice pair of sneakers would be better, for how could you really work up a sweat in those “mandals,” but I’d take the unfashionably awkward sock in flip-flop look if it’ll keep me from insisting you see a doctor for the gangrene that is apparently eating away at your toes. That’s just gross!

Of course, these two rock stars will violate all three rules at once! (image via http://www.smosh.com)

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5 thoughts on “Upper Thighs and Other Things Men Shouldn’t Expose

  1. Damien on said:

    I happen to think I look good in thigh hugging shorts. That’s how I got you remember

  2. Let’s put it in perspective, guys and girls get naked together. Generally in public we all cover up bits that the other sex don’t have. We all have thighs so why wouldn’t it be natural for me to expose them to. Lighten up!!

    • You’re right. We do all have thighs, but I wouldn’t call wanting to expose the uppermost regions of them a natural inclination. I guess for me, the possibility of the short shorts exposing “the bits that the other sex don’t have” really freaks me out.
      By the way, I am lightened up. They’re just jokes!
      Thanks for the visit and the comment. 🙂

  3. Testosterone makes men incapable of self-evaluation. Its science. Every male thinks he is the sexiest of males and that he could beat up a professional boxer if he wanted to. And the more testosterone you add to a male, the more he’ll be convinced his hairy belly and thighs need to see the light of day.

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